ask Arlene MD: It took you 10 years to find out he's married?

Saturday, August 28, 2010

It took you 10 years to find out he's married?

I know this woman that had been dating this man for 10 years. He lived a few hours away from her and traveled for a living. So, it didn't seem unusual that he could only spend a few overnights with her during the week. She was a single mother and was busy raising her teenage daughter. The relationship was working fine for her. He swore he was single and she believed him. The years went by and her daughter grew up and got married. She now has a child of her own and moved to another city. So, now it seemed a good time to spend more time with her beau. He had never given her his phone number. Even though it seemed strange to her, she thought it was not necessary since he would call her several times a day every day. She liked the fact that he was pursuing her, not the other way around. One day, he didn't call for two days so she got worried. She had never met any of his friends or family, however, she did know another man who had worked with him in the past. So, she called him and asked about her boyfriend. The man, being totally honest, just told her that he was married. Can you believe how shocked she was? She got so angry that she told her boyfriend's coworker how upset she was and she could not wait till she confronted him. Apparently, his coworker called him and let him know that the truth was out. He never called her again. She never saw him again. Two years have gone by and not a glimpse of him. When I spoke with her, she told me how angry she was in the beginning. She wrote him a long letter which she had no address to mail to. A few weeks went by, the anger turn towards depression and loneliness. What bothered her the most was that she did not have "closure". Why do women need closure anyway? If he had the guts to simply walk away without a "goodbye", why can't women do the same? The worst part about this story is that she has not been able to move on with her life. She has not dated nor even gone out since this happened. Ladies, when a man leaves, don't waste your time wondering why he left, just acknowledge that it's over and move on. Remember, time waiting is time wasted.

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Why did he leave me?

Sometimes, we are in a relationship and we think everything is fine. Then suddenly, our boyfriend stops calling or simply tells us that they need some space. What makes this separation so difficult for most of us is the not knowing why. Why is he leaving? Most men give it some thought prior to leaving a relationship. But, having spoken to so many men in my practice, they usually make up their minds and simply decide to walk away. They don't like to deal with the heartbroken woman. The less contact they have with the woman, the better for them. Recently, I was talking with a girlfriend who was going through a break up. Everything was going fine until she had to get temporary custody of her grandchild. Her boyfriend abruptly broke up with her saying that he did not wish to be a parent for a second time. However, when the child was placed in another family, the boyfriend did not come back. So, I wonder if this was the real reason why he broke up with her. Another woman had lived with her boyfriend for 4 years. They had spoken about marriage but never got around to do it. Then, suddenly one day, he moved 3,000 miles away to another State, saying that he found a job there. Now, couldn't he have found a job a little closer to her? In another case, the man told his fiancé that he had a "problem" so big that he couldn't tell her about it. He did promise he would tell her when the problem was resolved. However, a year passed and he never got around to telling her. This was killing her, the not knowing. She patiently waited, but he never told her. Later on, she found out that he had reconciled with his previous girlfriend. Recently, another man told his girlfriend that he was confused and felt that God was telling him to take a break from the relationship untill he could figure things out. The woman believed him, but she was very confused about the explanation. Everything seemed to have been going well and suddenly this happened. What is wrong with these men? It is so important for us ladies to get some type of closure, but men seem to have difficulty giving this to us. It seems to me that they always want to leave their options open just in case they want to come back because the new relationship that they have found, may not work out. It's like a guy cannot be alone, not even for a short time. The women tend to give men "time" to sort things out. Sometimes, we give too much time. Meanwhile, they are already dating some one else. The woman is patiently waiting for her man to "sort things out", while he is having a relationship with someone else. I think that if a guy wants to leave, let him go, no matter what his excuse is. We ladies need to learn to "let go", no questions asked. Forget about closure, about analyzing every little detail of "what if, what happened, where did we go wrong". I believe that if a man leaves it's because he found someone. Don't take it personal, it's not. It has nothing to do with you. It's not that you're fat, (even if he says so), ugly or stupid. It's because he just wants to leave. Men will blame you just to save face. They don't want to take responsibility for breaking your heart. They may feel a little guilty. Notice that I used the word "little". They get over a woman so fast, it's not even funny. Meanwhile, we women pray, hope and wait. The clue word here is "waiting". All the time you wait is time wasted. I know this lady that has waited almost 20 years for this man to "decide" what to do with her. He has been separated for years but never got around to divorcing his wife. Meanwhile, he has this lover waiting for him. This is what we call a "stringer". He strings her along with no intentions of formalizing the relationship. It's like being in a void. This is torture for the woman. She met this man when she was 38 years old. She is now close to 60 and ... still waiting for him. What these men have in common is that they never let go completely of the women. They give them glimpses of hope, intermittently, and never really come back. This is the worse type of scenario. If they would just walk away, the women would finally get on with their life. But this come and go, giving mixed messages to the ladies, is very confusing. But, if you read it correctly, there are no mixed messages. Once the guy leaves the first time, there is no coming back. There is no "forgiving" him, not because we are not nice, it's because we don't want to be "strung" forever.

On dating older men...

On my last blog I covered the pros and cons of dating a younger guy. After thinking about this, I realized that there are some pros and cons of dating older guys. By older, I mean 10 or more years older then you. Since this blog is based on personal experiences or the experiences lived by my girlfriends, you must realize that this is not scientific facts and that each personal experience is unique. Having said that, here it goes! Another thing to keep in mind is that the experience is different at different ages. For example, when you are 17 and you date a guy, say 24, the age can make a difference that would be different then when you are 40 and the guy is 47. Even though the difference is only 7 years, it impacts you differently due to the maturity level and goals you have at different ages.

When I was 17, I dated a guy who was 24. I was a senior in high school and he already had a job at a bank. It was very exciting since he had money and could take me out to dinner and pay for everything. It also gave me some type of “status” with my girlfriends since I had an older boyfriend. However, he wanted to get married and start a family and I wanted to go to school. Needless to say, after 8 years of dating, we drifted apart.

At 27 I met an attorney who was 40 years old and very successful. He also wanted to get married. He was divorced and had two teenage girls. He was willing to have another baby if we got married since I didn’t have any children. The thought of having two teenagers living with us irked me. I was still growing up from being a teenager myself and I could not fathom the idea of all the drama of being a step mother.

At 47 I met a guy who was 64 years old. All seemed splendid in the beginning. He was bright and very successful. His three children were grown, all in their thirties. I had three kids of my own who were still in elementary and middle school. We also spoke of marriage. However our age did make a difference. He was raised in a Jesuit catholic school and was very catholic. He felt guilt over his divorce and felt that he needed an annulment before he remarried. He also felt that every women was a “gold digger” and after his money. He made sure all his money, which was in the millions of dollars, was in trust accounts for his ex wife and children. He did not want to help raise my children. But that is not bad enough. The worst came when we had sex. He had erectile dysfunction, (i.e. ED). In the year we spend together, he may have orgasm three times. I would offer him the Viagra to help things out! One day, after he did have an orgasm, he jumped out of bed screaming in despair, “Oh, how I’ve sinned! I will burn in Hell for having sex out of wedlock”. Can you imagine how stunned I was? I was speechless. It was 2005 and this guy still believed that sex was a sin!

Other things made the relationship unworkable. He was raised when segregation was in our schools and society. I was raised when we all were created equal. One night we were watching the movie “Hitch” with Will Smith and Eva Mendez, a black and a puertorican. I thought the movie was cute and romantic. His comments were about the “black guy and the Hispanic girl”. I was outraged! Didn’t he know that I was puertorican too? Several months later I met my second husband. He was three years younger than me. He was raised in Brooklyn, NY in a mixed neighborhood of Italians and puertoricans. He was not racist. We remembered the same “hits” of the eighties. We both were open with sex and we both had children, between the ages of 10 through 18. We got married a year later and we get along fine. I think that having things in common helped out in our relationship. We have similar goals, same outlook in life and both of us are in the similar stages of our lives. We are not empty nesters just yet but we are close to having all our kids in college. This means that we will be young and able to enjoy our second stage of our lives together.

Things work out differently for different people. Just consider all your options when you date a guy with too much age difference. The obstacles may be overcome but at a price. Are you willing to pay that price?

How to spot a playboy!

Have you ever dated a guy who seems to be on a schedule to date you? You meet him at a local bar and he is charming, handsome, and charismatic and pays all your drinks. He drives an expensive car, dresses with Armani and has Cole Haan shoes. He is into his image. He may be married or not. Many times they don’t hide the fact that they are married. Beware of this kind of guy!

I know men like this. Women fall for these guys. They are every girls dream. They make you feel special and loved. However, they only love themselves. This reminds me of Carly Simon song, “You’re so vain”.

If a guy puts you on a schedule, let’s say, he sees you once a week, usually on happy hour on the middle of the week, the chances are he is married and looking for a fling. I have a friend who is very rich. He owns an insurance company. His wife stays at home and he doesn’t take her to his weekly night outings. He openly says that to have an affair, you have to keep the women on a schedule. Once you start seeing the women more frequently, she will demand more time. Once you find out he is married, it’s hard to get out of the relationship since he has called all the shots and set up all the rules.

So when you meet an exciting guy who seems to be unavailable to often, just be careful. Don’t get involved unless you are also looking for a fling.

Is he having an affair?

Sometimes our relationships can have a bump on the road but if this bump turns into a road hazard, we have to consider that something has changed. The easiest way to know if your man is having an affair is just notice changes on the patterns of behavior that he may exhibit. No one has to tell you he is fooling around. You should be able to figure this out on your own. However, most women tend to ignore these signs. Denial is a powerful tool!

Here are some signs that should alert you that not everything is like it used to be.

1.He starts to work out, lose weight and worry about his appearance.

2. He starts hanging out with his friends more frequently, or at least this is what he tells you.

3. He walks away from you when he talks on his cell. His secretive about his calls, texts and refuses to share with you who he is talking to.

4. Suddenly he goes to the ATM machine and uses more cash than usual.

5. He comes home late after work, sometimes late in the night or early morning hours.

6. He tells you that he has a lot of work and needs to work late in the office.

7. He seems less attentive towards you and is not intimate with you.

8. He picks out fights with you and then storms out of the house for hours and won’t return your calls.

9. He blames you for everything.

10. You suddenly find yourself spending too much time alone. The things you used to do together, you are now doing alone.

11. He suddenly has new friends, and they happen to be female. When confronted with this, he will say he has a right to have his own friends. He gets defensive. (This one is my favorite one).

If this sounds familiar, step back and try to be honest with yourself. The sooner you know, the best chance you have to work on your relationship and try to save it!

Girls night out!

If you are single and over forty, you are in a great position to date men between 30 and 60! I bet you thought I was going to say that you where doomed. Gotcha! Women in their forties usually have had their kids, gotten married then divorced and suddenly they have to start all over again. It can be confusing for a while until you figure out that it's not such a bad deal after all. Of course, I am the kind that always sees my glass half full, never half empty. Work with me on this one. Think about it. You were just "released" from a "bad marriage", with all your future ahead of you to do exactly what you want. You don't have to consider your partners input, feelings nor his neurosis. You can watch whatever TV show you want. you have the remote in your hands! If you want to go out, you do, if not, you stay home. You can log in the web and check potential dates on a dating website. You don't have to wear make up or look pretty. You browse page after page of good looking men, and some not that good looking. Then if you decide so, you can go out for a night on the town! Now, here is the dilemma: do you want to hang out with your girlfriends or do you want to meet a potential date. A piece of advice here. Men usually won't approach a group of more then two women in a bar or restaurant. When you go out to a bar and see a group of several women chatting together, loudly, they won't approach you. They feel intimidated. However, your chances of meeting some one is better if you go out on your own and sit quietly on the bar. This has worked for me in the past with very good results!
I know that many women feel so sorry for themselves when they go through a break up. Don't! Men usually move on so fast its alarming! Learn from them and do the same. Why cry over spilled milk. No need to clean it up! Good luck and enjoy your new life.

Are you in an abusive relationship?

A man doesn't have to hit you for you to be in an abusive relationship. there are many ways of abuse. To name a few, does these seem to be present in the relationship you are in?
1. He demeans you by putting you down. For example, he says you are fat, ugly, stupid, lazy or anything close to these.
2. He feels threaten by your success. Instead of being proud and happy for you, he acts jealous.
3. He tries to control everything you do. It may be how you dress, spend your money, who your friends are or isolates you from your family and loved ones. Isolating a woman from the people she loves is a very effective technique. Then the only "word" you hear is his. Eventually, all he says will be what you believe.
4.Does he "borrow" money from you? Abusive men tend to take advantage of the women by having them pay their bills, borrow her car, etc. It seems that they are always "taking" something from you instead of "giving" to you. Remember that when a man loves a woman, he wants to take care of her, protect her and love her.

ask Arlene MD

Saturday, August 28, 2010

It took you 10 years to find out he's married?

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